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The Inn: Memoir of a "Storied" Past
At the Inn one never knew when Bumblebee, who buzzed while he cut out paper dolls behind his back, or a woman with a shoulder full of parrots might show up for a night’s stay.
As a boy, Bob Cairns was not only given a childhood run of this 1800s historic inn, he grew up under the elderly wing of Louis Dielman, the owner and octogenarian the Baltimore Sun called one of Maryland’s most influential historians. In the 1940s and 1950s this generous raconteur peopled his New Windsor, Maryland, inn with comped characters, oddities who had guested there during the Dielman Inn’s early 1900s heyday—days when Baltimore, Washington, and Philadelphia emptied the cities for cool recreational summers at this grand hotel.
But one doesn’t have to read between the lines to find this memoir’s centerpiece. It’s the boy’s loving “grandfatherly” relationship with Mr. Lou and those Inn dwelling storybook characters and the tales they paraded through his childhood. So, no Mommy Dearest here. This is a memoir peopled with the echoes of the love and laughter of a boy, an old man, and the ancient edifice they simply called The Inn.
DEAR COACH DEAR BENCHie
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Through a series of letters, an old coach and his pet benchwarmer take readers for a trip back in time as they remember and misremember their wild and wacky ride to a 1960 state high school championship basketball game. Along with the contention between the two, this run to the finals features laughs, drama, and a slam-bang crime-loaded ending that makes national news.
In these missives—with Benchie’s literary agent doing his damnedest to keep the two combatants under control—we meet players who rival Slapshot’s Hanson brothers. The Washington twins, two bench-warming wrecking machines, come equipped with late-game talent. George, with an overbite that produces whistles that draw technicals from refs, is a lights-out shooter who refuses to play defense. His brother, who Coach calls Martha, is an in-your-jock defensive wizard. who as a shooter, can’t throw it in the ocean.
For starters, there’s Charlie Thompson an early day LeBron, who would later go on to play with the Harlem Globetrotters. Crutchfield, the team’s power forward, is having a problem keeping his head in the games due to his affair with the cheerleading coach.
All the while, Benchie, wearing thick black-rimmed glasses, is nailed to the bench, observing the action—a second set of eyes—while serving as Coach’s “partner in crime.”
Great games, junk defenses, and then confusing game play in the finals has Havercam, a Baltimore Tribunesports columnist, doing his damnedest to understand, why, in the end, key participants like Benchie and Coach might be interrogated by the state’s Governing Body for Athletics.
Driving Mr. Crazy
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When Murvie Porter, a beautiful long-haul trucker; Rollie Mandel, an off-center inventor of sorts; and a turtle named Speedy headed west out of the New Jersey docks on that fateful fall day, they were long-hauling a tractor-trailer illegally loaded with what they thought was chlorine, an LA delivery to a pool supplier—not drums of chemicals laced with drugs—cocaine, heroin, LSD, and ecstasy with a street value in the millions.
Murvie and Rollie had stars in their eyes, aspirations of appearing on national TV shows—Shark Tank and Jimmy Kimmel Live—and were aware that the final "chlorine" drop in LA might be their last off-load as truckers. There would be national exposure on these TV programs—Murvie with Pedal to the Metal, a line of women's cosmetics and clothing to be featured in truck stop gift shops, and Rollie promoting his bizarre online dating service, CousinsOnly.com—which would kick-start new careers as entrepreneurs.
They were spot on about the national attention. But what they couldn’t have known was that their odyssey, with the emphasis on odd, would go Smoky and the Bandit meets the Keystone Cops, meets twin drug-tooting/killer stunt men, AKA, the Coke Brothers. And that their story, packed with life-threatening action, would set YouTube records, become trucking legend as drivers ten-four'd the heroic tale.
The odyssey had truckers’ CBs humming nonstop: “Yeah, who could forget Driving Mr. Crazy, with that hot chick driver, the egghead inventor, their drug haul and that black ex-cop trucker Raven Brooks and his heroic posse!”
“Hey, Full Load. You know how a momma begins a fairy tale?”
“Yeah, Cargo Clown, ‘Once upon a time.’”
“Well, when a trucker like us tells one like Driving Mr. Crazy, we kick it off with, ‘Hey, you ain’t gonna believe this stuff!’”
And in the end the truckers rocking the interstates, like Full Load and Cargo Clown, had their doubts about the tale. Until Murvie and Rollie rolled out their story on Shark Tank and Live With Jimmy Kimmel.
Pen Men: Baseball’s Greatest Bullpen Stories Told by the Men Who Brought the Game Relief
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More than 40 relief pitchers — the famous, not-so-famous, and the infamous — offer first-hand accounts of some of the greatest anecdotes and memorable events, which they recall as men of the bullpen.
Pen Men features stories from Goose Gossage, Tug McGraw, Dennis Eckersley, Jim Bouton, Tim McCarver and others.
Praise for Pen Men:
“Great reading in the late innings of some lazy game in August.”
– The New York Times Book Review
Pen Men “is a vivid reminder that baseball is a great storyteller’s game and that most ballplayers love to tell great stories.”
– The Washington Post
“Beautifully done.”
– Jerome Holtzman, The Chicago Tribune
“The recollections of these Pen Men are passionate, detailed, funny an occasionally, remorseful. Intricate practical jokes and great stories of pressure pitching dominate their monologues. A must for all sports collections, this will probably be the best baseball book of the season.”
– Booklist
“Bob Cairns’ history of relief is much more than just a recital of the accomplishments of Sparky, Goose, Tug, Turk, Moe and the Mad Hungarian—it is a portrait of a special breed of ballplayer. You’ll wish the book were twice as long.”
– The Dallas Morning News
“Pen Men gives the bullpen a chance to tell its great stories.”
– USA TODAY
“Funny, revealing, insightful. A lot of research involved.”
– The Sportsbook File
“Pen Men is a book to treasure. Excellent.”
– Jim Brosnan, Vineline, The Chicago Cubs Magazine
The Comeback Kids
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In 1954, Elmer “The Giant” Thumma promised his baseball team, the New Becton Hot Dogs, a shot at the Williamsport Little League Champs. Because of racial prejudice the game was never played. More than thirty years later, the now grown-up players are still haunted by what might have been….
Elmer, not only the team’s old coach but a former New York Giants pitcher as well, finds himself caught in a corporate takeover of Elmer’s Little Giants, Inc. his multi-million dollar hot dog company. In order to save his fortune, he proposes that the two teams play the cancelled ’54 series, wherein the Hot Dogs must beat the Poughkeepsie Pintails in a five game exhibitions in American’s great old ballparks.
With the Giant’s financial backing, the middle-aged New Becton Hot Dogs set out in a custom-made hot dog-shaped luxury van, and the adventure begins! To Hooter Horton, “The Little World Series That Shoulda Been But Never Was” sounded like the answer to any self-respecting ex-Little League catcher’s dream. Heck, he was a writer, and the experience might just make one hell of a book. But, what Horton never predicted was the turn of events the miniseries would take. Or, that the saga’s characters— people like Larry Barnes, a woman reporter whose poison pen who would drive the story from the Dog’s West Palm training camp to Yankee Stadium—would help make the story bigger than life.
And, there’s one other thing that Horner didn’t realize. Even Little Leaguers have to grow up.
Praise for The Comeback Kids:
“… funny and profane.”
– Sports Illustrated
“A really funny baseball book. The Comeback Kids reminded me of America’s great old ball parks and the kind of fun I had during my days with the New York Yankees and Oakland A’s. It’s a story that any fan will enjoy.”
– Jim “Catfish” Hunter, Hall of Fame Pitcher, New York Yankees and Oakland A’s
“The best humorists have always known that comedy is about tragedy. Bob Cairns’ The Comeback Kids is both funny and sad, and by no means of interest only to those of us who are hooked on the great American game of baseball. You’ll probably eventually see it as a film but why wait? You can always impress your more intellectual friends at the premier by saying, ‘Well, I liked it, but it really isn’t as funny as the book.'”
– Steve Allen, American television personality, musician, composer, actor, comedian, and writer
“Cairns proves that dreams can come true and ‘might have been’ can still become a reality. A delightful, well-crafted story.”
– Ernie Harwell, Hall of Fame Announcer
“I read this book with genuine pleasure. I was vastly entertained throughout and found it to be as illuminating about men as it was about baseball.”
– Lee Smith, bestselling author of Oral History, Family Linen, Fair and Tender Ladies
Animal Home
What happens when a pair of evil twins, co-presidents flying the banner of a small private college, bilk alums by sucking them in to retire on the campus in an infirmary that they’ve converted into a retirement home?
“Cower College — A Haven Where Education Lasts A Lifetime!” No! Patient abuse, kidnapping, larceny, theft and murder!
As the Galumph twins — a nasty brother and sister act — attempt to grow their scam, there’s a spot of bother. They need a parcel of land adjacent to the campus to build a larger retirement home. More alums, more money! Josh O’Hare, a 70-year-old fraternity “boy” who works as a janitor in Cower’s Infirmary/Home, never left campus. Beloved by many, perceived ne’er-do-well and poster boy for the ‘60s by others, Josh owns a farm, the only land available for the Galumphs’ expansion of their retirement swindle.
When Doc and Liz, two Cower Students (and some of Josh's old frat mates) get involved we have Operation Animal Home!
Stories I Couldn’t Tell Until My Mother Died
If America enjoyed the bestseller about SH*T someone’s dad said, then they’ll love Bob Cairns’ Stories I Couldn’t Tell Until My Mother Died. The stories here run from laugh-out-loud funny to poignant memories that will bring readers to tears. A number of Cairns’ remembrances from this incredible gathering come with the blessings of his editors at Sports Illustrated, TV Guide, Field & Stream and other national magazines. But more than 100 are first-time, never-before-told originals, with a number wrapped in the name recognition of high-profile celebrities—Steve Allen—(”Silly Today Thanks To Steve and Tonight”); Martin and Lewis (”Brush With Greatness”); Tom Arnold (”Tom, Terry and Tim”); John Denver (”How I Pissed off John Denver”); Bill Cowher (”Planes, Trains and Mopeds”); Richard Simmons; (”No Pants No Gain”); Bob Costas (”Crossword Costas”); Jim Valvano (”V&Me”) and Rudy (”The Making of Rudy”). Cairns says that his mother claimed that the gathering herein began July 6, 1943. “I was born breech and there was rarely a day that went by that my mother didn’t claim that was the reason that I tended to get so many of my tales backwards!” Julia (who lived to the ripe old age of 96) had a wonderful sense of humor. And the fact that she’s pictured here on the book’s cover holding a crock? Well, her son’s guess is that her reaction would be, “Hooray for irony!”
Praise for Stories I Couldn’t Tell Until My Mother Died:
“I am so remorseful that my mother is no longer alive. She would have loved this book.”
– Ed Asner, seven-time Emmy Award winning actor
“There are two ways to experience this book: as one vast hors d’oeuvres tray of laughter…or as one wild, zig zag ski race across the mountain of mankind—us in all our preposterous glory. Then again, why not gulp, guffaw and slalom all at once.”
– Gary Smith, Sports Illustrated, four-time winner of Magazine Writer of the Year, the magazine equivalent of the Pulitzer Prize
“To the list of Immortal Authors, Dickens, Shakespeare, Twain, add the name of Bob Cairns — no, no, not because he’s nearly as talented nor because he’s immortal (obviously, neither was his mother), but because this man can zestily relate the funniest stories this side of Chaucer’s pilgrims. This is a cornucopia of anecdotes as antidotes for whatever ails ya. Take four of these before bedtime, and you’ll never have to call the doctor again.”
– Dr. Elliot Engel, American scholar and a member of England’s prestigious Royal Society of Arts, who speaks nationally and internationally on Dickens, Shakespeare, Twain and other literary immortals
“This isn’t science and it isn’t fiction. What it is is just one damned funny book.”
– Mike Resnick, winner of five Hugo awards for his science fiction, nominated for the Hugo more than any other writer
V & Me: Everybody’s Favorite Jim Valvano Story
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The often hilarious, often touching, always significant life of one of sport’s great personalities. V&Me: Everybody’s Favorite Jim Valvano Story takes readers inside V’s inner circle for all the laughs, lights, cameras and action. The stories are all here–from the inside-the-huddle magic to the genius, hype and hysterics of his inspirational half-time speeches. The more than 250 lively stories drop you into the action of a life that ran at warp speed, one NBC Sports’ Terry Gannon called, “like being at a heavyweight fight!.” Filled with great big game moments, but at times in V&Me the basketball merely bounces in the background. V meets the President, dines with Bill Cosby, suits up with the LA Dodgers, trades barbs with Bob Hope and crawls in the ring with Muhammad Ali. This book chronicles Valvano’s in-credible life from his goal-oriented New York childhood to the Cinderella run for the NCAA basketball championship and then, finally, his highly publicized, heroic fight against cancer.
Praise for V&Me:
“V&Me is a whole lotta smiles, laughs and just plain wonderment.”
– Gary Smith, Sports Illustrated
“Simply the best V book ever written, one that will make readers think, cry and laugh out loud.”
– Terry Gannon, NBC Sports
“Warm, funny and poignant stories about the late Jim Valvano, who guided North Carolina State to one of the most shocking upsets in college basketball history — a last-second victory against Houston in the 1983 NCAA championship game. Family memories relive Valvano’s New York childhood, players recall the locker room and sideline talks and strategies, and there are great memories from high profile coaches–Wooden, Smith, Krzyzewski, Massamino–with big names from the media weighing in–Vitale, Saunders, Feinstein, Lupica, Kornheiser and Firestone.”
– The Tampa Tribune
“Everybody has a favorite Jim Valvano story. This collection takes readers inside V’s inner circle for the laughs, lights, cameras and action. They are likely to lead you to laugh, cry and to think.”
– BASKETBALL TIMES
“Those who Valvano touched most recall the legendary basketball coach, visionary, motivator and comedian in Bob Cairns’ V & Me: Everybody’s Favorite Jim Valvano Story.The stories are spontaneous, often funny and always enlightening. An exceptional book that transcends N.C. State and college basketball. You didn’t have to be a sports fan to become captivated by Valvano, and you don’t have to be one to fall victim to the emotion found in V&Me.”
– The Rocky Mount Telegram